My Journey To Body Positivity
TRIGGER WARNING
This blog post is not here to trigger anyone struggling with eating disorders or body image issues, so if you're vulnerable, please do not read this. However, I promise you it has a positive ending.
Leigh x
“A cultural fixation on female thinness is not an obsession about female beauty but an obsession about female obedience.”
― Naomi Wolf
I experienced self-hatred and self-disgust for most of my life, especially from the ages of 14-25. Those years were spent battling an eating disorder, body dysmorphic disorder, countless diets, negative self talk and major self-esteem and body image issues. I believed that being thinner would equate to being happy. How wrong I was...
In 2015, I hit my lowest weight, with a 23 inch waist. This is what I'd been pushing myself towards for 10 whole years, so why didn't my self-hate dissipate? I was thin, so why wasn't I happy yet?... I was worn out, physically and mentally, weightlifting 6 days a week, performing ab exercises whenever I could, running twice a day AND practising yoga twice a day as well as counting calories and macros. The fact is, I didn't have time to be happy. I didn't have time to love myself because all my time was going into diet and exercise. Add to that a break up, deteriorated mental health through psychotic episodes, and moving back to my mam's, I was miserable and full of negative emotions.
I started volunteering in a gym in my local wellbeing centre. For a while, this boosted my confidence. It got me talking to new people (which I wasn't used to) and I was encouraged wonderfully by the other staff. It wasn't long before I realised that still, my life was surrounded by gyms, diet and exercise and so I made the conscious decision to really recover this time. I slowly started eating more of my mam's home cooked meals (so delicious) and exercising a little less.
In 2016, I started gaining weight, which terrified me, but I stuck at recovery like gum to a desk. I challenged myself to eat fear foods, not count calories and to not weigh myself (scales are the devil). I felt liberated! It was a relief to not have my life revolving around numbers and fear. I was able to focus on other things, like my other mental health issues. I had a few relapses throughout 2016 and 2017 (when I gained more weight) but still, I kept fighting through the fear and anxiety.
In the last year I've had five hospital admissions. Not for my eating disorder, but for psychosis and serious mood fluctuations. I decided that I didn't have time to focus on food and exercise. I HAD to focus on my mental health. One time in hospital, I decided to do a lot of writing (as there was nothing else to do). It started with gratitude lists, then things I wanted to do with my life in the future, and then things I loved about myself. It was hard as hell at first. I loved nothing about myself. What did I do? I lied on the paper, and pretended to love these things about myself. I did this every day in hospital. I wanted to break out of the negativity and guess what, in time I did.
Once out of hospital, I stopped following fitness accounts on Instagram, and instead I found the body positive community. It absolutely blew me away. Women empowering themselves by loving every inch of their body and mind. I was instantly inspired. Through this inspiration, I started my self love journey through positive self talk and reading a lot of bloody great books, including Megan Jayne Crabbe's (@bodypositivepanda on Instagram) Body Positive Power, which taught me a lot about female oppression via diet culture. I learned that 95% of diets don't work. I learned that it IS possible to love yourself. It IS possible to be a a bigger woman and be powerful, confident and successful. This amazed me. I'd always equated success with weight loss and being thin. But here I was, reading Megan's book and being proven wrong, and it fascinated me. I decided to order more books similar to this, including Louise Hay's You Can Heal Your Life and Naomi Wolf's The Beauty Myth (which I am still reading and I'm hooked!
Since starting my body positive journey, I've become more successful than ever. I am back volunteering at the wellbeing centre, this time in mental health, I've become a trustee & secretary of a small mental health constitution and I am planning to start Minds Matter as my own business. How empowered do I feel right now? A fucking lot, actually. And it has nothing to do with my size. I've realised it's more important to be driven, ambitious and kind than it is to conform to the unattainable ideal body type (which is a hugely photoshopped image that is unreal. Even the thin women are photoshopped to have curves. We can't win in that field, so fuck it).
So here I am right now, a hard working, ambitious and successful woman with a whole lotta love for herself, and I'm so excited to see what the rest of my body positive journey holds. I can't wait to learn some new lessons and gain so much more than I've ever had before!
“Hating our bodies is something that we learn, and it sure as hell is something that we can unlearn.”
― Megan Jayne Crabbe, Body Positive Power: How learning to love yourself will save your life
Leigh x
This blog post is not here to trigger anyone struggling with eating disorders or body image issues, so if you're vulnerable, please do not read this. However, I promise you it has a positive ending.
Leigh x
“A cultural fixation on female thinness is not an obsession about female beauty but an obsession about female obedience.”
― Naomi Wolf
I experienced self-hatred and self-disgust for most of my life, especially from the ages of 14-25. Those years were spent battling an eating disorder, body dysmorphic disorder, countless diets, negative self talk and major self-esteem and body image issues. I believed that being thinner would equate to being happy. How wrong I was...
In 2015, I hit my lowest weight, with a 23 inch waist. This is what I'd been pushing myself towards for 10 whole years, so why didn't my self-hate dissipate? I was thin, so why wasn't I happy yet?... I was worn out, physically and mentally, weightlifting 6 days a week, performing ab exercises whenever I could, running twice a day AND practising yoga twice a day as well as counting calories and macros. The fact is, I didn't have time to be happy. I didn't have time to love myself because all my time was going into diet and exercise. Add to that a break up, deteriorated mental health through psychotic episodes, and moving back to my mam's, I was miserable and full of negative emotions.
I started volunteering in a gym in my local wellbeing centre. For a while, this boosted my confidence. It got me talking to new people (which I wasn't used to) and I was encouraged wonderfully by the other staff. It wasn't long before I realised that still, my life was surrounded by gyms, diet and exercise and so I made the conscious decision to really recover this time. I slowly started eating more of my mam's home cooked meals (so delicious) and exercising a little less.
In 2016, I started gaining weight, which terrified me, but I stuck at recovery like gum to a desk. I challenged myself to eat fear foods, not count calories and to not weigh myself (scales are the devil). I felt liberated! It was a relief to not have my life revolving around numbers and fear. I was able to focus on other things, like my other mental health issues. I had a few relapses throughout 2016 and 2017 (when I gained more weight) but still, I kept fighting through the fear and anxiety.
In the last year I've had five hospital admissions. Not for my eating disorder, but for psychosis and serious mood fluctuations. I decided that I didn't have time to focus on food and exercise. I HAD to focus on my mental health. One time in hospital, I decided to do a lot of writing (as there was nothing else to do). It started with gratitude lists, then things I wanted to do with my life in the future, and then things I loved about myself. It was hard as hell at first. I loved nothing about myself. What did I do? I lied on the paper, and pretended to love these things about myself. I did this every day in hospital. I wanted to break out of the negativity and guess what, in time I did.
Once out of hospital, I stopped following fitness accounts on Instagram, and instead I found the body positive community. It absolutely blew me away. Women empowering themselves by loving every inch of their body and mind. I was instantly inspired. Through this inspiration, I started my self love journey through positive self talk and reading a lot of bloody great books, including Megan Jayne Crabbe's (@bodypositivepanda on Instagram) Body Positive Power, which taught me a lot about female oppression via diet culture. I learned that 95% of diets don't work. I learned that it IS possible to love yourself. It IS possible to be a a bigger woman and be powerful, confident and successful. This amazed me. I'd always equated success with weight loss and being thin. But here I was, reading Megan's book and being proven wrong, and it fascinated me. I decided to order more books similar to this, including Louise Hay's You Can Heal Your Life and Naomi Wolf's The Beauty Myth (which I am still reading and I'm hooked!
Since starting my body positive journey, I've become more successful than ever. I am back volunteering at the wellbeing centre, this time in mental health, I've become a trustee & secretary of a small mental health constitution and I am planning to start Minds Matter as my own business. How empowered do I feel right now? A fucking lot, actually. And it has nothing to do with my size. I've realised it's more important to be driven, ambitious and kind than it is to conform to the unattainable ideal body type (which is a hugely photoshopped image that is unreal. Even the thin women are photoshopped to have curves. We can't win in that field, so fuck it).
So here I am right now, a hard working, ambitious and successful woman with a whole lotta love for herself, and I'm so excited to see what the rest of my body positive journey holds. I can't wait to learn some new lessons and gain so much more than I've ever had before!
“Hating our bodies is something that we learn, and it sure as hell is something that we can unlearn.”
― Megan Jayne Crabbe, Body Positive Power: How learning to love yourself will save your life
Leigh x
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